Photo by Simon Berger from Pexels Disclaimer: I mention depression and suicidal thoughts in my post. I do not desire to harm myself or others. Also, I am not trying to generalize anyone’s experiences with depression or suicide. I am sharing some personal thoughts with the hope that I can help those who may have similar thoughts. Hey, It has been a loooooonnnngggg time since I decided to post anything on my blog. I have been questioning everything. Is what I am trying to do with my blog and book relevant or worth it? Should I switch jobs since I am annoyed about this one task I cannot stand doing? What am I supposed to be doing to love God since I do not have the structure I am used to? Why is there so much hate and acceptance of evil in this world? Why can’t people be respectful? Why does my husband get to live out his professional desires, but I do not? Why are people so hypocritical? Some people want acceptance for their beliefs but if someone disagrees, they attack them. Don’t they realize that people can have different opinions? …and much more negativity, criticalness of myself, and the feeling that I cannot do anything to live the life I want. This all led to a few weeks of depression. Although I do not want to hurt myself, I did invite the idea of death. I was not motivated to do anything but get through my day as quickly as possible, so that I can waste away watching entertainment. Since I last wrote my mother also died. I am sad that she is gone and try not to think too much about it. Yet, I also felt a sense of jealousy because she was no longer on this earth. She did not have to fight anymore. I do. ![]() Photo by mikoto.raw Photographer from Pexels I talked to my husband about some of these thoughts and he proceeded to tell me that my mindset sounds suicidal. “But hubby, I just do not mind dying. I do not actually want to kill myself,” I protested. He gave me one of his “I’m not convinced” looks but he did not push the issue. I did think about what he said and although I did not and do not want to harm myself or anyone else, I think was close to the suicidal edge. My hubby helped me to see the danger in entertaining those thoughts. The reason I am not continuing that thought process is because God does not want me to take my life. I also see that I was focusing too much on the world and my own thoughts then God and His wisdom and truth. This past week I have been a lot better emotionally and mentally. I have been trying to do things that will help me not focus on so much negativity, which is communicating with God and dwelling on His truth. Photo by Jonathan Borba from Pexels I have read the Bible many times and continuing to do so can feel mundane and repetitive. I am changing my thought process. I am reminding myself that I am reading to be reminded of God’s truth so I can dwell on His truth instead of distractions, negativity, or any tempting thoughts that are not good. I opened my e-Bible recently, before I prayed and asked what to focus on, I got the thought to read 1 Corinthians 2:5 which reads: “so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of mankind, but on the power of God.” (NASB) I did not read the context of the passage yet that scripture spoke to me. I have faith in Jesus still, but I was letting some of it waiver according to the wisdom of man. The wisdom in solely trusting in what I can see or do, my limitations, my abilities. Obviously, I have to take action in my life. Prayer without action does not always produce results. But God is so much greater and more powerful than me. I forgot Him and got frustrated with myself, which spiraled into the negative mindset I mentioned earlier. The point of me writing this post is to bring attention to this type of mindset that can quickly lead you down a dangerous path. I have not been clinically diagnosed with anything, but I experience depression periodically. I know how it feels to feel helpless, like you cannot do anything. I also know that I am getting better at identifying what triggers those thoughts. Photo by Yelena Odintsova from Pexels
I am speaking directly to those believers who struggle with negative thoughts and mindsets. You may feel helpless, yet God can help you through it. You also have to take action. You have to choose to not be okay with focusing on negativity. You have to seek God, seek to dwell on his truth, and even therapy if that will help. You have to make the choice that valuing your life means taking the steps that will lead you out of that dark place. If nothing else, I am willing to be an ear to listen. I love you that much and do not want you harmed. Those who read this post and are not believers, I love you that much too. My relationship with Jesus is what helps me keep going every day. He will help, but you must submit to Him and His rule over your life. Submitting is different, and I would not say my life is easier, but Jesus never promised that our lives would be easier. He did say that we could have peace and that He would be with us. If nothing else, my prayer is that you choose to value your life over that dangerous mindset and seek help. Copyright © 2022 A-Leigh Ann
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![]() Photo by Samson Katt from Pexels I am so excited to say that I am officially a published author! I have been working on my book for a few years and let me tell you…at every turn and milestone I have been gripped with fear and/or doubt. So many questions plague me like: Is writing this book worth it? Will this book help anyone? I need to make the money back I spent to publish it; will I make enough back? How will I be able to face potential negativity that could come from critics and self-proclaimed social media “experts”? Well, it all boils down to my faith. I wrote because I felt that my story could help those who are fighting for their lives. The bible talks about us being in a spiritual war. Satan (the devil) is constantly seeking ways to tear down people and lead them away from God. Photo by Maria Pop from Pexels My hope is that this book inspires people to choose. We did not have a choice in being brought into this world. True, there are many things that happen in our life that we can’t control. My encouragement is that we have the authority to respond. We have the power in how we react to the world around us. So, no matter what anyone reading my book my believes… your power, your reactions, pave the course of this journey called life! Choose wisely! Check out my “Books” page for more details on my book The Realm: Warfare. A-Leigh Ann Copyright © 2022 A-Leigh Ann ![]() Lately I’ve been having a “if it ain’t one thing it’s another” vibe. When I get motivated at work to be joyful and serve, some practical atrocity occurs at home. For instance, my husband and I bout a new house in April 2020 and the contractors messed up our door which caused water to leak into our house. Thus, damaging our floor and wall. That gets fixed, work is super busy, and I’m struggling to help people who want to have an attitude about something they could have prevented if they had acted sooner. I am finally calm about the house issues and work and then I notice something my husband did or didn’t do and now I am having an adult tantrum. Then a few days later we find out that a shipment for my husband’s business was sent to the wrong place. So many opportunities to be upset and even angry. One of my favorite bible verses is Philippians 4:4-8 (NASB20) 4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! 5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all people. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and pleading with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Love this passage but my main highlight for this post is verse 8. The exhortation is to dwell on positive things. My struggle with consistently thinking positive is focusing on negativity, criticalness, or simply what I don’t like about the situation. Photo by Ivan Bertolazzi from Pexels There is a certain amount of brain power one must devote to fixing a problem but I can at times dwell too much on things that do nothing but tempt me into anger, worry, or fear. What we choose to dwell on effects our emotions, mood, and how we interact with others. But what if I decided that I will not dwell on negativity and what I don’t like? What If I decided to dwell on things that will build me up? When I choose to have self-control in my thoughts, I can think clearer and respond more appropriately to others. I can even rejoice because through the issue, I know there is something I can be thankful for. If I’m thankful I’m calmer and make decisions from a more sober midframe than if I was filled with negativity and anger. If I can master this art of self-control and positive thinking in my mind, people will see that, and I can help others to be positive. In summary, protect your mind and dwell on things that will build you up or affirm you. We all will have problems until we die, but who wants to live in negativity until that time comes? Sound like a miserable life. I hope this encourages those who are reading this to seek to dwell on positive things. All your problems may not be resolved the way you want but at least you can have peace as you move forward. A-Leigh Ann Copyright © 2021 A-Leigh Ann We are instructed, trained, and conditioned to view love as this self-gratifying selfish ambition that caters to our wants and desires. If someone does what I want, I love them. If they don’t, I’m upset and renounce my love or retaliate because of my displeasure. We may not always respond this particular way but often times we give into some type of selfishness, seeking and hoping that our desires are recognized and accepted. Don’t get me wrong I’m not necessarily saying that your desires are wrong, they may not be. I’m pointing to the issue where we don’t love others or love them less simply because they did not cater to our will. This response is also something that I struggle with at times in my marriage. We have known each other since our junior year in high school (about 2007) and were married in 2014. For a good portion of my relationship with him. I have operated out of this selfishness. The deception is that I couldn’t see that I was being selfish because 98% of the time he did what I wanted, or I could manipulate him into doing so. In 2015, we decided to give our lives to following Christ which was very powerful because Christ’s love challenged us to examine ours and realign with His definition. God’s word, the Bible, has many descriptions of love. If you read these descriptions and look at our society, or even those who say they are Christians, people fall very short of how God desires us to love others. I knew I was pretty selfish in my relationship and as I learned more of God’s word an understood what a godly marriage looked like; I was able to better understand that my approach to love was severely flawed. We may seem like the perfect couple to those on the outside, but we have had some serious problems and, admittedly, I have been a big cause of them. One grace that I have found in being in a relationship and later a wife is experiencing forgiveness. I have hurt my husband in the past many times (before we were married). I don’t deserve our marriage or would have expected him to stay with me after what I’ve done but he did. Early in my relationship with God I came to Him, seeking forgiveness in not only what I had done but how I had hurt my husband. I reconciled with God and had peace with Him about the situation. Years later, my husband asked me a simple question that prompted me to share something with him I had kept secret. I have been faithful since we were married but there where things he didn’t know. “I feel like I can tell you anything,” he said. I responded with silence, cringing at the thought of having to tell him. “You don’t feel like you can tell me anything?” And…scared but remaining confident that the Lord would help me, I shared those things I had kept hidden from the time before we got married. He responded with understanding and forgiveness. I said it. I apologized. He forgave. More recently I was struggling with some thoughts about our relationship. My husband reminded me of the grace he had shown. He told me that when I wronged him, it was hard to trust immediately but he started trusting me again. Each time. Also, after I shared those things with him. His forgiveness prompted me to think about God. He loves us and wants to have an intimate relationship with us. A relationship where we are one with Him. Where we don’t allow other things to take our love away from Him. But if that does happen, He forgives if we repent and turn to Him. He is there for us. He doesn’t need us to love Him, He wants us to. He has given me so many chances to turn away from the idols I had and the things that pulled me away from Him. Even with the knowledge of His word and ways that I do have, I still can fall short of living the way He wants me to. However, if I change my mind and my heart and turn to Him we can move forward. There’s not tit for tat you must do X,Y,Z for Him to love me. It’s believing in Him, trusting Him, and loving Him by following Him with my life. So I am thankful for my husband because his grace has reminded me of God’s grace. His example reminds me that although others may not (in my eyes) be deserving of grace and mercy, love seeks to give that. Love seeks to give grace and mercy because that is what our Lord Jesus did. I hope this encourages those reading to show grace and mercy towards others. To forgive and move forward in your life. My story won’t be the same as yours. There may be people that are lost or other things that change. At least you know that you have decided that peace and love will guide you instead of unforgiveness, bitterness, or hate. A-Leigh Ann Copyright © 2021 A-Leigh Ann ![]() Photo by Pavel Danilyuk from Pexels I have never been the “ideal" weight…. whatever that's supposed to mean. I matured faster than most kids and was taller than my peers until about the 7th grade. I wasn’t overweight. Just longer legs, thicker thighs, bigger hands and feet. I was constantly made aware of how I should “watch what I eat because I know my mom's side of the family is bigger" or how shapely I am. Most of my cousins were significantly skinnier than me. In high school I was bigger than most of my friends. Of course, the guys didn’t seem to mind it that much… When I joined the Air Force, I weighed more than my peers. I remember (when I aspired to be a Combat Systems Officer) my flight suit fitting when I lived in Florida. We were all in a room and I remember, with shame, telling the tailor my flight suit size. All the other ladies’ suits were a smaller size. The tailor said something like (and I’m paraphrasing) “Hey, there's nothing wrong with that size you are a woman. You have curves.” I've always been told I’m very healthy and haven’t had to many weight gain struggles until after I separated from the Air Force and “PT" (Physical Training) wasn't mandatory. Photo by Pixabay from Pexels The point, I will try to get back to my point. My point is I had a negative self-image of myself. What’s crazy is that I was healthy, I was pretty fit in my college/Air Force days, but around certain situations I would cower on the inside, anticipating others’ critique of how I lost or gained weight. “You know you got to be careful, your mom's side is bigger". Welp, it’s 2021. I have started and stopped workout plans, going to the gym, and eating healthy. While I value the benefits of a good workout, food tastes good and is more convenient. My downfall was my main motivation, to get skinner and look more fit. Not saying that those aren’t good goals but by themselves, but as a motivation they can get real superficial real quick. On days when I don’t feel like working out or eating healthy, that “image" I’m trying to achieve doesn’t matter. I will eat that extra snack or those six chocolate chip cookies, because I can. Then, when I look in the mirror and see this unfamiliar mass protruding from my waistline I remember “I should probably workout, I’m getting fat". So here I am 52 pounds heavier than I was when I started college. I want to encourage you about image for a little bit. You can't rely on other people's standard of beauty and body acceptance. You will either fail or be obsessed with accomplishing a goal you can never truly reach. You have to be content with who you are, first! Eating right and exercising is not your identity. They are things you can do to stay healthy and sure, work hard for that six pack, it’s ok. When you compare yourselves to others or what they think you should do, you are speaking death to yourself. How other people are is how God created them to be. You are not supposed to be them or have everything they have. Somebody else’s standard or opinion is an unreasonable expectation. You can't please them or consistently do so. Focus on what you can do. Take those steps each day. Find a like-minded individual like yourself who needs encouragement in this area. Motivate each other. Speak life into each other. Starting by taking it day by day IS success, no matter what anyone else thinks. If you stopped, start again, you have been blessed with an awesome opportunity at another chance. If no one else is rooting for you, I am! You can do what you choose to do. You can do what is hard. You can come back from a failure; you can start again. I pray my words bring you comfort and motivate you to keep trying. A-Leigh Ann Copyright © 2021 A-Leigh Ann ![]() So excited to be writing my first EVER blog post 😊!!!
The post is very special to me because it is my testimony about how I came into having a relationship with Jesus. ***Disclaimer*** As I am Christian my blog posts will be based off of Christian principles. Alright, maybe my Southerners can relate to my past experiences in church. Dressed in your Sunday Baptist best, clapping to the soulful sounds of the gospel choir. Sitting in the back of the church with the other kids trying not to bring about the wrath of the adults. Sneaking text messages, bites of candy, and trying not to doze off during the sermon. Or you remember the charismatic delivery of the pastor, frantically out of breath from screaming the sermon from to the top of his lungs. Or, for my little AME churchers, waving those programs back in forth desperately trying to get some reprieve from the hot summer air that has seeped into the church. (Before you object, I am not classifying all churches into one description. These are memories from the churches that I have attended in my childhood to young adulthood.) But who can forget the college ministries? Service an hour, food served afterward for us broke and hungry college students, and familiar faces (and outfits) from the set, kickback, club, or party last night. Yea, the memories. Church had always been a place I go. A place I was taken. When I was younger, I would see people shouting and crying during the worship songs. I would think to myself “Why are they so emotional? Nothing has ever happened in my life for me to react that way.” I didn’t get it. I’ve always believed there was a God. You couldn’t tell me that miracles weren’t real or supernatural things couldn’t happen that science can’t explain. The mere beauty of God’s creation helped me understand that He was real. Well, I got a little older. I gained a little wisdom. The kind where you realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you. The kind that makes you realize that there has to be more to life than just going to school, having relationships, working, and dying. At this point however, I wasn’t seeking God. I was having too much fun being grown. Being drunk and doing whatever I wanted to do. Yet somehow, I would find myself back at the college ministry services… It’s my senior year of college. I’m about to join the Air Force. I’ve got a great boyfriend who I will probably marry. Life is good…but life is tiresome. The drama, the drinking, the emptiness, I just knew there has to be more to my purpose than what I was doing. Throughout my college years my dad would always say the same thing to me. “I love you, remember to put God first”. “Yep, ok dad.” For the parents reading this, the foundation you lay in your children’s lives really does matter. Both of my parents and my family sowed the seed for me to begin my journey to faith. Sure, I didn’t really pay attention in church or know that much about Christianity, but I had seen God work in people’s lives and going to church helped me feel better. If nothing else, I knew where to start when I decided I wanted to have a relationship with God. So, I started seeking and visiting churches. At this point I was a 2nd Lieutenant in the Air Force and married to this guy I met in high school. Some people would say high school sweetheart, but I wasn’t very sweet. You’ll learn more about this if you keep reading my content 😊. Anyway, I dragged my husband with me to several churches. (When I say “dragged” my husband I am exaggerating, he willingly came with me lol.) Nothing really stood out about the churches that I went to. Same type of feel, but the main thing I looked for was the teaching. Could I grow from what the pastor was preaching about? Some had ok sermons, but I still felt like I wasn’t being fed. My husband and I started hanging out with one of my coworker’s who was from the area we lived in at the time. One day he invited us to a game night. After he invited us, he gave this disclaimer: “Oh, just to let you know, they are Christian.” I had no issues with Christians, I hadn’t had bad experiences in church, nor do I like blaming a whole group of people for a few people’s actions. So we went. The lady that hosted the game night told me about bible study. Honestly, I didn’t like the idea of bible study, it was sooooooo boring whenever I had gone in the past. One day we went. We are at the lady’s house and there is a guy sitting in a recliner, maybe in his mid-30s, kind of serious demeanor. I’m pretty sure I don’t know about most of the things he talked about. Honestly, I don’t even remember what was said at my first bible study but I felt that he was telling me the truth. I saw that he was telling me the truth as he would point back to bible passages while teaching on the topic. Finally, someone who could help me grow in my faith! I attended more game nights and bible studies and eventually, somebody shared the gospel with me. While they were talking, I realized, “I’m going to hell. If I don’t change the way I am living I know that’s where I’ll be.” I really wanted to change but it felt almost impossible…then I remembered how awesome God is. I knew He would help me if I trusted Him and choose to repent of my sin turn to following Him. That day I began a currently 6-year long journey to living my life for Jesus. A-Leigh Ann Copyright © 2021 A-Leigh Ann |
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