Photo by Simon Berger from Pexels Disclaimer: I mention depression and suicidal thoughts in my post. I do not desire to harm myself or others. Also, I am not trying to generalize anyone’s experiences with depression or suicide. I am sharing some personal thoughts with the hope that I can help those who may have similar thoughts. Hey, It has been a loooooonnnngggg time since I decided to post anything on my blog. I have been questioning everything. Is what I am trying to do with my blog and book relevant or worth it? Should I switch jobs since I am annoyed about this one task I cannot stand doing? What am I supposed to be doing to love God since I do not have the structure I am used to? Why is there so much hate and acceptance of evil in this world? Why can’t people be respectful? Why does my husband get to live out his professional desires, but I do not? Why are people so hypocritical? Some people want acceptance for their beliefs but if someone disagrees, they attack them. Don’t they realize that people can have different opinions? …and much more negativity, criticalness of myself, and the feeling that I cannot do anything to live the life I want. This all led to a few weeks of depression. Although I do not want to hurt myself, I did invite the idea of death. I was not motivated to do anything but get through my day as quickly as possible, so that I can waste away watching entertainment. Since I last wrote my mother also died. I am sad that she is gone and try not to think too much about it. Yet, I also felt a sense of jealousy because she was no longer on this earth. She did not have to fight anymore. I do. ![]() Photo by mikoto.raw Photographer from Pexels I talked to my husband about some of these thoughts and he proceeded to tell me that my mindset sounds suicidal. “But hubby, I just do not mind dying. I do not actually want to kill myself,” I protested. He gave me one of his “I’m not convinced” looks but he did not push the issue. I did think about what he said and although I did not and do not want to harm myself or anyone else, I think was close to the suicidal edge. My hubby helped me to see the danger in entertaining those thoughts. The reason I am not continuing that thought process is because God does not want me to take my life. I also see that I was focusing too much on the world and my own thoughts then God and His wisdom and truth. This past week I have been a lot better emotionally and mentally. I have been trying to do things that will help me not focus on so much negativity, which is communicating with God and dwelling on His truth. Photo by Jonathan Borba from Pexels I have read the Bible many times and continuing to do so can feel mundane and repetitive. I am changing my thought process. I am reminding myself that I am reading to be reminded of God’s truth so I can dwell on His truth instead of distractions, negativity, or any tempting thoughts that are not good. I opened my e-Bible recently, before I prayed and asked what to focus on, I got the thought to read 1 Corinthians 2:5 which reads: “so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of mankind, but on the power of God.” (NASB) I did not read the context of the passage yet that scripture spoke to me. I have faith in Jesus still, but I was letting some of it waiver according to the wisdom of man. The wisdom in solely trusting in what I can see or do, my limitations, my abilities. Obviously, I have to take action in my life. Prayer without action does not always produce results. But God is so much greater and more powerful than me. I forgot Him and got frustrated with myself, which spiraled into the negative mindset I mentioned earlier. The point of me writing this post is to bring attention to this type of mindset that can quickly lead you down a dangerous path. I have not been clinically diagnosed with anything, but I experience depression periodically. I know how it feels to feel helpless, like you cannot do anything. I also know that I am getting better at identifying what triggers those thoughts. Photo by Yelena Odintsova from Pexels
I am speaking directly to those believers who struggle with negative thoughts and mindsets. You may feel helpless, yet God can help you through it. You also have to take action. You have to choose to not be okay with focusing on negativity. You have to seek God, seek to dwell on his truth, and even therapy if that will help. You have to make the choice that valuing your life means taking the steps that will lead you out of that dark place. If nothing else, I am willing to be an ear to listen. I love you that much and do not want you harmed. Those who read this post and are not believers, I love you that much too. My relationship with Jesus is what helps me keep going every day. He will help, but you must submit to Him and His rule over your life. Submitting is different, and I would not say my life is easier, but Jesus never promised that our lives would be easier. He did say that we could have peace and that He would be with us. If nothing else, my prayer is that you choose to value your life over that dangerous mindset and seek help. Copyright © 2022 A-Leigh Ann
1 Comment
Malina Walter
6/24/2022 10:57:23 pm
Great post, really speaks to how I've felt and I know now I gotta keep my mind on God and make goals for myself.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorDive into the not so common but maybe common brain of A-Leigh Ann. Archives |